Sock Free Hideaway

BEATS OF LOVE

56. Hide and Seek by The Feminine Complex

A GUY I sit with occasionally rather brazenly said, 'you can't internalize your problems, don't take this the wrong way but I think you have Asperger's.' Not the first time I've been told. 

I think he may be right. I've scored 'highly likely' on every test and I've learned it's far more hereditary on the father's side. My father couldn't get his words out until his teens, which is why, despite passing key parts of his 11 plus, he never went to grammar school. Despite training hard to be a chief accountant, he decided he'd be happier being self-employed, but my mother carried him in the businesses before he died prematurely. Just like she carried me through life's trials and tribulations.   

I share many Asperger syndrome traits, thankfully, including the best one, by switching myself completely off in the fantasy world of listening to records, reading books, and watching movies. I've always assumed my sister really hates me coz from childhood right up until this day she has always dropped me in the shit with her cold embellishment of the truth. Or pathological lying. Folk on the spectrum are either too honest or chronically bad at lying. Tellingly, my missus, with what she has read and witnessed, thinks we both have this developmental disorder. 

It's sad as we've both suffered, causing ourselves psychological harm through self-medicating, by not being diagnosed at any stage in our lives. Do I trek down my past and actually listen and learn about a diagnosis to hopefully improve my circumstances, or accept I'm simply too old and re-adjusted to benefit from knowing why and how my life has been blighted and simply carry on? 

Whatever, I'll still be switching myself completely off in the fantasy world of listening to records, reading books,  and watching movies.