BEATS OF LOVE
121. Nancy’s Minuet by The Everly Brothers
JUST FINDING out about my autism and OCD has left me stunned. I mourn the childhood I could have had if I had known sooner.
One where my father didn't die at forty-six. One where I wasn't driven to the brink just to measure up, only to be thrown away because algebra made little sense to me. But I can't spiral for long. The missus needs me in the present.
I made us sit through dull evenings for the promise of a lavish cake tomorrow, brushing off her frustration just as my mother used to do when my father’s imaginary foreign holidays never came true. Then, at the tail-end of my Master’s dissertation on US detention centres, reality violently expanded. A call from my wife shattered the quiet: she had gone for a routine Home Office check-in and was being detained. Even with our later change in fortune, that day’s dark shadow never lifted, freezing my ability to move forward or balance life's demands.
Thankfully, the missus is doing better and better. I used to think it was just stress, and I gave myself a deadline to get my life back on track in three years. I now know that is not realistic. Autism and OCD will keep affecting things unless I get counselling right away. It is very scary, especially because I am still waiting for my official paperwork and do not know how long it will take. The diagnosis itself took forever.
Until now, I wrote Beats Of Love from the perspective of my autism, without realising it. This is my first post written outside of that headspace. This dramatic song was the last track I played while still in that unware state. Cheers to Bob Stanley, whose brilliant book Yeah Yeah Yeah: The Story of Modern Pop opened my ears to it.
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